im still very torn between blogger and tumblr. a lot more of inspiration is on tumblr, and it may stay that way. but it may also stay here. so, say to me on there. :) and check in on me, here!

http://calmheart.tumblr.com

love, always.

tumblr.

i did not disregard you, dear sweet blogger of mine.

i tumble now, too.

http://calmheart.tumblr.com

this will be used for more words. more daily activities. tumblr will be used for more inspiration.

ive decided i want to start writing again. little things, big things, things that rhyme. but to do this, i need inspiration. from words, art, other soul seekers. which is why i tumble now. you understand, i know you do.

love, words, life, sweetness.

M

fears lately

i have but i havent been a lost soul lately. my head has been clouded with germs and my brain has been stuffed with anxiety regarding my comprehensive exam and graduation. i am trying so hard to be in many places at once, but i am learning i cannot. and i feel i am hurting others while doing this.

the truth is, i dont know what is going to happen when i graduate. i am overwhelmed by the fact that i have a lot of clinical work i need to dive right into, and i am excited, but i dont know how i am going to manage this, truthfully. i can barely handle my life, right now. will it be like school again? what are my hours going to be? are my new co-workers going to be nice? i dont even know anyone who works directly in this field! i dont know what theyre like! 

there are many institutes (freudian / jungarian / rogerian) that offer amazing practices in their field, offer you clinical trails towards your clinical hours (which are mandated by the state) and pay you in return with free courses. by the end of two years you will be certified in their particular therapy, but there's no pay. no benefits. only education. and i know that beginning of psychotherapy work sometimes means free caseloads, but am i ready for it? i dont know. i am just stuck. i bought a book today called 'your career in psychology: making your graduate degree work' and i read one page and had to shut it because im too nervous. this is a new field for me, the only education i have had is my school work, and i wonder if that is too little. 

if tim gunn was here, he would say, 'melissa, make it work'. but for once in my life, i dont know if i can. i dont even know where to start. i need to find a strong mentor. to guide me and hold my hand and tell me im going to be okay.

oh, busy september.

october, i need you. and your pumpkins. and your colours. and SCENTS.

things to do in october if you are me:

• bye bye birdie with a favourite lady to see a gorgeous sunshine act his heart out. he is loved. cherished. adorable. he is matt doyle. hands down, one of the most genuine and talented individuals i have ever known. he has eyes that welcome you and a puppy who is just precious. he is an old-soul. an always favourite. 
• a lady gaga dance a thon. she is hosting. i am boogying. so much good in that sentence. with every gay boy i know in new york city. all to raise money for equality for america. lady gaga is a woman of my own, supportin her boys, as do i, and i cant wait to shake ma' groove thang with everyone.
• billy elliot. finally. i am beyond out of the broadway loop, so please bare with me.
• the avett brothers with the family. they just came out with a gorgeous album. today, actually. i mean, gorgeous. to the point where when tim and i talk about it, the only words that come out of our mouths are "oh my god, I KNOW".  it's one of the prettiest and most beautiful albums i have heard, in a long time. the opening track (i and love and you, also the title of their album) gives me chills. it's just. perfect.
• MIKA. need i say more? another night of dancing.
• weezer. on halloween. seriously, kids, seriously...

and then you know. the usual. getting by. slowly but surely.

ive been battling  a cold. i need to cleanse. (in many forms). and sleep. and become fresh. 

and think.

change.

act.

be.

love.

a week of firsts

my first last day of graduate school (a tongue twister, but delightful).

my first book club meeting with some fabulous local manhattan ladies (such rich conversation, lovely ladies, delicious food, wine that kept flowing and dancing in our glasses).

& my least favourite first... my first fender bender. on september 11th, none the less. also, my grandmothers birthday.

i went to long island on friday. with a minorly broken car and an urge to be hugged by my family. i arrived in sweatpants, and left sunday morning, in sweatpants. the same ones. it was that sort of weekend. watched many movies (including the secret life of bees with the woman of my heart - my dear grandmother), ate a lot of yummy foods and snacks. turned off my phone. did nothing, and felt okay with it.
had a way early morning breakfast with G on saturday morning at a local favorite spot, and then did my yoga practice (sans mat) in grass wet with dew. we had all intentions of going to him and his partner's abode on fire island, but life/relaxation/conversation got in the way. realized how grateful i am for family, friends of all sorts, breathing, kitties and to be balanced by and through love.

no matter what, i am never alone. i have myself, you, them and everything around me. never lonely, never alone, always being and living. grateful. taking a moment (everyday) to express my gratitude - to myself, you, them and everything around me. life happens, things happen, but we grow. never alone. always with a gentle hand and gentle wings helping us. even when we cant see, they are there. take a moment and feel it. a gentle breeze touching your shoulder. a stranger's smile. a bird singing in the morning. all there to show we are not alone. teaching us. monitoring us. and loving us. always.

i have a lot of emotion to spill, but this isnt the place. too there, too raw, too personal.

to hand writing i go.

i have finally fallen back into my yoga routine. i forget how fantastic and whole my body feels after a 90 minute practice. i forgot what i am capable i am doing, and how beautifully my body moves into each pose. ive been in a strange sort of mind today, and my practice was a little difficult tonight. 

but i got through it. 

by breathing. 

it's amazing how our breath works and how it controls our body and emotions. when you think you cant do something, you breath your way through it. deep inhales, long exhales. when youre stressed and your breath is sort, it's breathing that keeps you calm and brings you back to being. all of this i learned through yoga. how to handle any given situation and open my brain through breathing. it's a beautiful feeling, to breath and to control your breathing. through the art of yoga and the art of running. in. out. inhale. exhale.

this weekend i am leaving the city for some R&R at matty's boss' property in montauk. ive heard so many magical things about this property, and i am more then thrilled to be spending a few days out there. the thought of no cell phone service makes me smile internally/externally/all over. the thought of good food, good drinks and my boys with crickets chirping and waves crashing is already very meditating and relaxing. and stars! i cant wait to look at those flames in the sky that light my world.

sad though. summer is really over. today i napped after work, and i needed a blanket. A BLANKET! summer, i miss you. you were good to me. but fall, i love you. you know this. the smells, the feeling, the boots... stay with me always.

not sleeping. watching this instead:

summer lovin, had me a blast

this summer flew by and took no prisoners. i do not even know what i have to show for the summer, except for a VERY weak tan, 30 bottles of wine, about ten extra pounds from cheese i consumed in napa valley and amazing memories. 

from montauk to the hamptons to fire island to the flu to meg bayley lovefest in medford to surprise visits from cody to beer garden nights to many shows to brinner to dinner to whiskey hangovers and spatan hangovers to my boys boys boys to surviving my first summer in the city to napa valley and san fran to turning twenty five to my grandparents celebrating sixty years of marriage to planning and doing and attacking my bucket list - 2009 bought in a damn good summer. 

but im selfish. and i love fall. and i want fall. apples and pumpkin pancakes and hot apple cider. fall is also a time when i celebrate a year at work (it seriously went so fast!) and some of my favourite work related activities happen in the fall... the olds halloween party, shea and i cooking up thanksgiving dinner, christmas happiness and all the sort. rushing the seasons, i may be. but i am doing it all with love and joyfulness. i promise.

today is daughter's day

and i can only hope that i am continuing to make my mama proud.

"There's magic in a Mother's touch,
And sunshine in her smile.
There's love in everything she does
To make our lives worthwhile.
We can find both hope and courage
Just by looking in her eyes.
Her laughter is a source of joy,
Her words are warm and wise.
There is a kindness and compassion
To be found in her embrace,
And we see the light of heaven
Shining from a Mother's face".

turning twenty-five without my mother by my side was difficult. i probably took it far more too emotional then i should have or then you think it really is. and although i had an amazing birthday with my three favourite people and received so much birthday love - there is something about wanting to turn a monumental age with your mom there to support you, praise you and sing to you. each year only gets harder, and that is the only piece of advice i can offer to anyone who has lost a parent. they tell you it gets easier and easier, but as you get older, you only yearn for that family togetherness more. i miss it. a lot of it. parts i never had and parts i cant even remember. i only go by photos, others peoples stories about her and little pieces of her that remain; her journal, a quilt, jewelry, keepsakes, etc. lately, part of me feels lost without her there. but i keep moving. trucking along. and hoping i am making her proud.

ciao!

im leaving tomorrow for the west coast. san fran. FINALLY. with the other half of my heart and my lady love. to see family / friends. dance. eat. drink. relax. love. explore. and celebrate my 25th. excited is a complete understatement. i had a crazy week leading up to this and i am ready. to just be. to have no cares. 

till then --

love love love.