im still very torn between blogger and tumblr. a lot more of inspiration is on tumblr, and it may stay that way. but it may also stay here. so, say to me on there. :) and check in on me, here!

http://calmheart.tumblr.com

love, always.

tumblr.

i did not disregard you, dear sweet blogger of mine.

i tumble now, too.

http://calmheart.tumblr.com

this will be used for more words. more daily activities. tumblr will be used for more inspiration.

ive decided i want to start writing again. little things, big things, things that rhyme. but to do this, i need inspiration. from words, art, other soul seekers. which is why i tumble now. you understand, i know you do.

love, words, life, sweetness.

M

fears lately

i have but i havent been a lost soul lately. my head has been clouded with germs and my brain has been stuffed with anxiety regarding my comprehensive exam and graduation. i am trying so hard to be in many places at once, but i am learning i cannot. and i feel i am hurting others while doing this.

the truth is, i dont know what is going to happen when i graduate. i am overwhelmed by the fact that i have a lot of clinical work i need to dive right into, and i am excited, but i dont know how i am going to manage this, truthfully. i can barely handle my life, right now. will it be like school again? what are my hours going to be? are my new co-workers going to be nice? i dont even know anyone who works directly in this field! i dont know what theyre like! 

there are many institutes (freudian / jungarian / rogerian) that offer amazing practices in their field, offer you clinical trails towards your clinical hours (which are mandated by the state) and pay you in return with free courses. by the end of two years you will be certified in their particular therapy, but there's no pay. no benefits. only education. and i know that beginning of psychotherapy work sometimes means free caseloads, but am i ready for it? i dont know. i am just stuck. i bought a book today called 'your career in psychology: making your graduate degree work' and i read one page and had to shut it because im too nervous. this is a new field for me, the only education i have had is my school work, and i wonder if that is too little. 

if tim gunn was here, he would say, 'melissa, make it work'. but for once in my life, i dont know if i can. i dont even know where to start. i need to find a strong mentor. to guide me and hold my hand and tell me im going to be okay.

oh, busy september.

october, i need you. and your pumpkins. and your colours. and SCENTS.

things to do in october if you are me:

• bye bye birdie with a favourite lady to see a gorgeous sunshine act his heart out. he is loved. cherished. adorable. he is matt doyle. hands down, one of the most genuine and talented individuals i have ever known. he has eyes that welcome you and a puppy who is just precious. he is an old-soul. an always favourite. 
• a lady gaga dance a thon. she is hosting. i am boogying. so much good in that sentence. with every gay boy i know in new york city. all to raise money for equality for america. lady gaga is a woman of my own, supportin her boys, as do i, and i cant wait to shake ma' groove thang with everyone.
• billy elliot. finally. i am beyond out of the broadway loop, so please bare with me.
• the avett brothers with the family. they just came out with a gorgeous album. today, actually. i mean, gorgeous. to the point where when tim and i talk about it, the only words that come out of our mouths are "oh my god, I KNOW".  it's one of the prettiest and most beautiful albums i have heard, in a long time. the opening track (i and love and you, also the title of their album) gives me chills. it's just. perfect.
• MIKA. need i say more? another night of dancing.
• weezer. on halloween. seriously, kids, seriously...

and then you know. the usual. getting by. slowly but surely.

ive been battling  a cold. i need to cleanse. (in many forms). and sleep. and become fresh. 

and think.

change.

act.

be.

love.

a week of firsts

my first last day of graduate school (a tongue twister, but delightful).

my first book club meeting with some fabulous local manhattan ladies (such rich conversation, lovely ladies, delicious food, wine that kept flowing and dancing in our glasses).

& my least favourite first... my first fender bender. on september 11th, none the less. also, my grandmothers birthday.

i went to long island on friday. with a minorly broken car and an urge to be hugged by my family. i arrived in sweatpants, and left sunday morning, in sweatpants. the same ones. it was that sort of weekend. watched many movies (including the secret life of bees with the woman of my heart - my dear grandmother), ate a lot of yummy foods and snacks. turned off my phone. did nothing, and felt okay with it.
had a way early morning breakfast with G on saturday morning at a local favorite spot, and then did my yoga practice (sans mat) in grass wet with dew. we had all intentions of going to him and his partner's abode on fire island, but life/relaxation/conversation got in the way. realized how grateful i am for family, friends of all sorts, breathing, kitties and to be balanced by and through love.

no matter what, i am never alone. i have myself, you, them and everything around me. never lonely, never alone, always being and living. grateful. taking a moment (everyday) to express my gratitude - to myself, you, them and everything around me. life happens, things happen, but we grow. never alone. always with a gentle hand and gentle wings helping us. even when we cant see, they are there. take a moment and feel it. a gentle breeze touching your shoulder. a stranger's smile. a bird singing in the morning. all there to show we are not alone. teaching us. monitoring us. and loving us. always.

i have a lot of emotion to spill, but this isnt the place. too there, too raw, too personal.

to hand writing i go.

i have finally fallen back into my yoga routine. i forget how fantastic and whole my body feels after a 90 minute practice. i forgot what i am capable i am doing, and how beautifully my body moves into each pose. ive been in a strange sort of mind today, and my practice was a little difficult tonight. 

but i got through it. 

by breathing. 

it's amazing how our breath works and how it controls our body and emotions. when you think you cant do something, you breath your way through it. deep inhales, long exhales. when youre stressed and your breath is sort, it's breathing that keeps you calm and brings you back to being. all of this i learned through yoga. how to handle any given situation and open my brain through breathing. it's a beautiful feeling, to breath and to control your breathing. through the art of yoga and the art of running. in. out. inhale. exhale.

this weekend i am leaving the city for some R&R at matty's boss' property in montauk. ive heard so many magical things about this property, and i am more then thrilled to be spending a few days out there. the thought of no cell phone service makes me smile internally/externally/all over. the thought of good food, good drinks and my boys with crickets chirping and waves crashing is already very meditating and relaxing. and stars! i cant wait to look at those flames in the sky that light my world.

sad though. summer is really over. today i napped after work, and i needed a blanket. A BLANKET! summer, i miss you. you were good to me. but fall, i love you. you know this. the smells, the feeling, the boots... stay with me always.

not sleeping. watching this instead:

summer lovin, had me a blast

this summer flew by and took no prisoners. i do not even know what i have to show for the summer, except for a VERY weak tan, 30 bottles of wine, about ten extra pounds from cheese i consumed in napa valley and amazing memories. 

from montauk to the hamptons to fire island to the flu to meg bayley lovefest in medford to surprise visits from cody to beer garden nights to many shows to brinner to dinner to whiskey hangovers and spatan hangovers to my boys boys boys to surviving my first summer in the city to napa valley and san fran to turning twenty five to my grandparents celebrating sixty years of marriage to planning and doing and attacking my bucket list - 2009 bought in a damn good summer. 

but im selfish. and i love fall. and i want fall. apples and pumpkin pancakes and hot apple cider. fall is also a time when i celebrate a year at work (it seriously went so fast!) and some of my favourite work related activities happen in the fall... the olds halloween party, shea and i cooking up thanksgiving dinner, christmas happiness and all the sort. rushing the seasons, i may be. but i am doing it all with love and joyfulness. i promise.

today is daughter's day

and i can only hope that i am continuing to make my mama proud.

"There's magic in a Mother's touch,
And sunshine in her smile.
There's love in everything she does
To make our lives worthwhile.
We can find both hope and courage
Just by looking in her eyes.
Her laughter is a source of joy,
Her words are warm and wise.
There is a kindness and compassion
To be found in her embrace,
And we see the light of heaven
Shining from a Mother's face".

turning twenty-five without my mother by my side was difficult. i probably took it far more too emotional then i should have or then you think it really is. and although i had an amazing birthday with my three favourite people and received so much birthday love - there is something about wanting to turn a monumental age with your mom there to support you, praise you and sing to you. each year only gets harder, and that is the only piece of advice i can offer to anyone who has lost a parent. they tell you it gets easier and easier, but as you get older, you only yearn for that family togetherness more. i miss it. a lot of it. parts i never had and parts i cant even remember. i only go by photos, others peoples stories about her and little pieces of her that remain; her journal, a quilt, jewelry, keepsakes, etc. lately, part of me feels lost without her there. but i keep moving. trucking along. and hoping i am making her proud.

ciao!

im leaving tomorrow for the west coast. san fran. FINALLY. with the other half of my heart and my lady love. to see family / friends. dance. eat. drink. relax. love. explore. and celebrate my 25th. excited is a complete understatement. i had a crazy week leading up to this and i am ready. to just be. to have no cares. 

till then --

love love love.

i could not love my best friend anymore.

and i am four tickets richer to see ingrid michaelson! 

love. 

this N that

just ordered artwork for my apartment.

excited to see my DC-becca-babe tomorrow.

loving running at night.

missing yoga classes.

needing more time to explore.

trying lavender sleep lotion at night.

diggin' orange ginger anything/everything.

seeing my baby kitties grow.

admiring this lady: http://www.curlygirldesign.com/

watching my hair grow wild. 

blogging/twittering about nothing.

itching to read more books.

putting off papers.

eating more starches.

painting everything/anything yellow.

thanking you. 

JOY-FULL.

“I do it for the joy it brings, cause I'm a joyful girl. 'Cause the world owes us nothing, we owe each other the world.” -a.d.

“The world is extremely interesting to a joyful soul.” -a.s.

today is friendship day. 

i celebrated early in brooklyn at chad's apartment with my best friends. i needed some fresh air after being cooped in a house all week. (but i didnt over do it!) a night out with george, jonathan, matty and even a little visit from dom & his boo - just what the doctor ordered. we danced. and i mean, we DANCED. shook our booties all night long at an after party at sugarland and sweat through our clothes. loved every minute of it. spoke spanish to my new friends (really, shea, i did!), screamed through every lady gaga song that was played and learned the joy of saying "5, 6, 7, 8 before breaking a move".

those boys. always wonderful. always grateful for them. can always count on matt to live life by the horn, can always count on george to say "screw guys, i just wanna dance," and can always count on jonathan for being the practical one. and to my friends who i am without on friendship day. always loving you - always thinking of you and always needing you. you're all my rocks. near and far, always always always mine.

while in brooklyn though, jonathan and i came to discover that it almost a tiny bit scares us. chad lives on bedford ave in williamsburg, where the straight boys look gay, and the gay boys look very dirty and trailer-park esque. oh, the life of the hipster. in brooklyn. confusing. an art form. i will never understand.

gratitude time.

Let us rise up and be thankful; for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

i know it's not thanksgiving. but lately, i feel blessed. and for this, i am thankful for:

- my lovely grandparents for taking care of their flu-ridden golden child this week. no holding back, they were there. to make eggs, pour oj, feed me my meds, trips to the doctor, changing my bedsheets. little gray hair'd angels, they are. but not just for healing me when i am sick, but for so much more. they amaze me. they adopted me as one of their own when i was ten, and i can never repay them for painting such a gorgeous life for me. a life where i had freedom, went away to school, studied in spain, developed so many beautiful friendships and become who i am today. i love. always. (and i am not embarrassed to admit it. and i was NEVER embarrassed to admit i lived with them either. i always said it loud and proud! who wouldnt when sebna are your grandparents?! c'mon now, they play rock band!)

- kate. for always keeping me sane. always being there. even when i think she wont be there, she is there. like magic! to make me laugh and make me cry. to hold my hand when things are shaky and to know when cheese is the answer.

- my family. for raising me, guiding me, enlightening me and allowing me to be me. we're a crazy, loud, partyin, lawn-guyland crowd. but we rule.

- heartbreak. heartache. losing my first love. we all need that to realize our inner strength. {and so what if i heard a song today that reminded me of him and bawled? that's okay. cleansing is good!}

- intelligence, humor, wit, gratitude, creativity, a bad singing voice -- i love it all! my qualities are beautiful.

- g, my heart. my guider, my rock, my inspiration. i crave his strength and abilities. for always being there and for making me feel like i always matter. (& for getting gifts every year and as i open them hearing "oh. i forgot to get you a card. heh heh, well, it's from me!")

- t, my heterosexual lifemate. my girlfriend. my maid of honor who has my speech written out and my playlist picked, too. and the girl who spends $52 on underwear. always armed and ready for blue moon & and jukebox.

- my mom. for creating me. for being so brave. for fighting for her life. for her art, her journal, her jewelry. for leaving behind pieces of her that are pieces of me. the stories i hear about her, keep them coming. tell me more. she lives forever in my soul and my everyday. 

- my quilts. all hand sewn by lovely, strong, beautiful women in my family. many done solely by my grandmother. forever cherished, to be passed down for years/centuries to come.

- faith. questionable but believable. for guidance, breathing, accepting and prayer. for knowing my mom sits in a good place. for knowing that she watches over me. for knowing that the feelings i have, such as my hair moving with no gust of wind, is her. leaning over my shoulder.

- lamps. i just dislike overhead lighting very much.

- my meg bayley - for dancing, being, living and seeing. my other soul, my other eyes, my other mind, my other queen, on the east end. for staying true, finding herself, being a cute yogini and taking a wild journey with me. my little lotus flower.

- my work my work my work. but more importantly, my work wonder-twin. for actually allowing herself to be my work wonder-twin! for laughing at my jokes that are not funny. and for the smiles. and the flowers on my desk after a difficult few days off. and for having an amazing amount of strength, faith, love and happiness towards life and others. nothing but the upmost respect for my wonder-twin. 

- sea shells. a collection my mother started and i continued. all over my bedroom. to remind me of her and to feel closer to her. to remind me of places traveled and summers spent in fire island. to help me realize that anything is possible. and that i am strong. 

- colors. for making drab things beautiful. possibilities. hope.

- LOVE. because without love, how could i even develop a list of things i am thankful for? 

em aye eh?

have i been?

i have.

trying to find a balance. it was a bad week. one of those where you really didnt leave the bed. at all. in my case, i literally, could not leave my bed. i was bed ridden. per doctors notes. but before that, it all started wrong, ended wrong-er, but i hope now will make a change.

ps: my cats BETTER stop eating my plants OR ELSE...

holy meows

i have two new kitties that are quite ridiculous. i believe i have been spamming/pimping them out moreso on twitter (for shea's sake, she is very anti-kitties but pro melissa's blog). they are like two babies. always needing, getting into trouble and fighting. brotherly love, i suppose. their names are mr. darcy (he is mine, named after jane austen's finest novel. he's the orange tabby) and cleo (he is zan's egyptian kitty. gorgeous). they run around at crazy hours of the night but are love bugs.

life is GOOD. like that bumper sticker. that logo. with the stick figure. you know? hectic, humid, hot but sweet, none the less. this past weekend, my best friend from college came to nyc and SURPRISED me. i almost cried when he told me. he arrived on friday around six pm, where we went straight to margaritaville and then to the beer garden. stumbled home at 4 am only to wake up bright and early for brunch. he is a class act.

this weekend i am getting (yet some more) rest & relaxation as i head to my family's abode on fire island. just the girls. aunts and younger cousins. margaritas (well, for the aunts and this chick), sand, dancing, laughing and bonding. they are sweet. this fall, my grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. can you believe it?! and it's hippie themed. can you believe THAT!? they are so sweet. without them, there would be none of this. i am forever grateful to be their golden child. they inspire me.

i am anxious for fall (already). zan and i have tickets to see ingrid michaelson and a little after that ~ tim-bo and his super sweet girlfriend and i have tickets for the avett brothers. there's nothin like seeing that band with your family and some dark brews. while wearing plaid. and prepping for a halloween party.
(can you tell autumn is my favourite season?)

that's that. for now.

this is:

beautiful
powerful
moving
love
sad
funny
gorgeous
genius
unreal
a true, honest, raw memoir.

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com

(thanks, kate, for sharing).