today is daughter's day

and i can only hope that i am continuing to make my mama proud.

"There's magic in a Mother's touch,
And sunshine in her smile.
There's love in everything she does
To make our lives worthwhile.
We can find both hope and courage
Just by looking in her eyes.
Her laughter is a source of joy,
Her words are warm and wise.
There is a kindness and compassion
To be found in her embrace,
And we see the light of heaven
Shining from a Mother's face".

turning twenty-five without my mother by my side was difficult. i probably took it far more too emotional then i should have or then you think it really is. and although i had an amazing birthday with my three favourite people and received so much birthday love - there is something about wanting to turn a monumental age with your mom there to support you, praise you and sing to you. each year only gets harder, and that is the only piece of advice i can offer to anyone who has lost a parent. they tell you it gets easier and easier, but as you get older, you only yearn for that family togetherness more. i miss it. a lot of it. parts i never had and parts i cant even remember. i only go by photos, others peoples stories about her and little pieces of her that remain; her journal, a quilt, jewelry, keepsakes, etc. lately, part of me feels lost without her there. but i keep moving. trucking along. and hoping i am making her proud.

ciao!

im leaving tomorrow for the west coast. san fran. FINALLY. with the other half of my heart and my lady love. to see family / friends. dance. eat. drink. relax. love. explore. and celebrate my 25th. excited is a complete understatement. i had a crazy week leading up to this and i am ready. to just be. to have no cares. 

till then --

love love love.

i could not love my best friend anymore.

and i am four tickets richer to see ingrid michaelson! 

love. 

this N that

just ordered artwork for my apartment.

excited to see my DC-becca-babe tomorrow.

loving running at night.

missing yoga classes.

needing more time to explore.

trying lavender sleep lotion at night.

diggin' orange ginger anything/everything.

seeing my baby kitties grow.

admiring this lady: http://www.curlygirldesign.com/

watching my hair grow wild. 

blogging/twittering about nothing.

itching to read more books.

putting off papers.

eating more starches.

painting everything/anything yellow.

thanking you. 

JOY-FULL.

“I do it for the joy it brings, cause I'm a joyful girl. 'Cause the world owes us nothing, we owe each other the world.” -a.d.

“The world is extremely interesting to a joyful soul.” -a.s.

today is friendship day. 

i celebrated early in brooklyn at chad's apartment with my best friends. i needed some fresh air after being cooped in a house all week. (but i didnt over do it!) a night out with george, jonathan, matty and even a little visit from dom & his boo - just what the doctor ordered. we danced. and i mean, we DANCED. shook our booties all night long at an after party at sugarland and sweat through our clothes. loved every minute of it. spoke spanish to my new friends (really, shea, i did!), screamed through every lady gaga song that was played and learned the joy of saying "5, 6, 7, 8 before breaking a move".

those boys. always wonderful. always grateful for them. can always count on matt to live life by the horn, can always count on george to say "screw guys, i just wanna dance," and can always count on jonathan for being the practical one. and to my friends who i am without on friendship day. always loving you - always thinking of you and always needing you. you're all my rocks. near and far, always always always mine.

while in brooklyn though, jonathan and i came to discover that it almost a tiny bit scares us. chad lives on bedford ave in williamsburg, where the straight boys look gay, and the gay boys look very dirty and trailer-park esque. oh, the life of the hipster. in brooklyn. confusing. an art form. i will never understand.

gratitude time.

Let us rise up and be thankful; for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

i know it's not thanksgiving. but lately, i feel blessed. and for this, i am thankful for:

- my lovely grandparents for taking care of their flu-ridden golden child this week. no holding back, they were there. to make eggs, pour oj, feed me my meds, trips to the doctor, changing my bedsheets. little gray hair'd angels, they are. but not just for healing me when i am sick, but for so much more. they amaze me. they adopted me as one of their own when i was ten, and i can never repay them for painting such a gorgeous life for me. a life where i had freedom, went away to school, studied in spain, developed so many beautiful friendships and become who i am today. i love. always. (and i am not embarrassed to admit it. and i was NEVER embarrassed to admit i lived with them either. i always said it loud and proud! who wouldnt when sebna are your grandparents?! c'mon now, they play rock band!)

- kate. for always keeping me sane. always being there. even when i think she wont be there, she is there. like magic! to make me laugh and make me cry. to hold my hand when things are shaky and to know when cheese is the answer.

- my family. for raising me, guiding me, enlightening me and allowing me to be me. we're a crazy, loud, partyin, lawn-guyland crowd. but we rule.

- heartbreak. heartache. losing my first love. we all need that to realize our inner strength. {and so what if i heard a song today that reminded me of him and bawled? that's okay. cleansing is good!}

- intelligence, humor, wit, gratitude, creativity, a bad singing voice -- i love it all! my qualities are beautiful.

- g, my heart. my guider, my rock, my inspiration. i crave his strength and abilities. for always being there and for making me feel like i always matter. (& for getting gifts every year and as i open them hearing "oh. i forgot to get you a card. heh heh, well, it's from me!")

- t, my heterosexual lifemate. my girlfriend. my maid of honor who has my speech written out and my playlist picked, too. and the girl who spends $52 on underwear. always armed and ready for blue moon & and jukebox.

- my mom. for creating me. for being so brave. for fighting for her life. for her art, her journal, her jewelry. for leaving behind pieces of her that are pieces of me. the stories i hear about her, keep them coming. tell me more. she lives forever in my soul and my everyday. 

- my quilts. all hand sewn by lovely, strong, beautiful women in my family. many done solely by my grandmother. forever cherished, to be passed down for years/centuries to come.

- faith. questionable but believable. for guidance, breathing, accepting and prayer. for knowing my mom sits in a good place. for knowing that she watches over me. for knowing that the feelings i have, such as my hair moving with no gust of wind, is her. leaning over my shoulder.

- lamps. i just dislike overhead lighting very much.

- my meg bayley - for dancing, being, living and seeing. my other soul, my other eyes, my other mind, my other queen, on the east end. for staying true, finding herself, being a cute yogini and taking a wild journey with me. my little lotus flower.

- my work my work my work. but more importantly, my work wonder-twin. for actually allowing herself to be my work wonder-twin! for laughing at my jokes that are not funny. and for the smiles. and the flowers on my desk after a difficult few days off. and for having an amazing amount of strength, faith, love and happiness towards life and others. nothing but the upmost respect for my wonder-twin. 

- sea shells. a collection my mother started and i continued. all over my bedroom. to remind me of her and to feel closer to her. to remind me of places traveled and summers spent in fire island. to help me realize that anything is possible. and that i am strong. 

- colors. for making drab things beautiful. possibilities. hope.

- LOVE. because without love, how could i even develop a list of things i am thankful for?